17 Comments: No feeling well. Chest. Need money for my heart medication. Really makes it seem that God doesn't exist or maybe doesn't care :( Went to church this morning. In fact, I'm still in Port Maria, just outside the church, by the beach as I write this. Just had a chat with Michael from the church, about the church, himself and a little history of both. Still can't get rid of my fear and anxiety even niggling at my soul. Got to eradicate doubt and by doing that, also the devil and his demons. For thats the victory he is seeking over me now. But really I need a job. [cont'd] "the last shall be first, and the first last, for many be called, but few chosen." My resume came in last, maybe it shall be first and chosen. I continue to have faith and to pray. [cont'd] Job doesn't look so hopeful altho today's message on my fone was: "Have total faith." I was afterward led to Matt20:16 "many are called, but few chosen" which also didn't seem so hopeful [re: Mrs.Bower's words and "shortlisting" a word I've come to dislike] until I read the entire verse: [more] Today I dropped of a resume - without application - to Mrs.Bowers of the HR dept. of NERHA. The position is not for "field officers" but "health officers" which I suspect are the same jobs I saw advertised and which I am no way qualified. I was also late, deadline being Friday past, but she said she would send it in still. However, reading my resume afterward maybe it won't even be sent in, it being so foolishly inadequate, even though she said everyone would be called, though some will be shortlisted. [more] From Sunday it has crossed my mind - though I should have from Tuesday - that I should forget about Custos doing as he said and finding me a job. :( [my friend Danny called last night and encouraged me] Roger [new owner of my old house] called about dogs and Ms.Smith. Michael was wrong: dogs still alive. Wants me to come help round them up. More worries. More sadness. More fear. No God. [numbness returning with serious knee-buckling dizzy spells] http://testimoni.al.peperonity.com3 days of hopelessness even as I pray, study my Bible, and create site pages to encourage others to Christ; even in church today, the spirit of hopelessness descended on me. What to do??? I give up.... [continued from below] My prayers for help and hope re job MOSTLY go unanswered. I wish and pray Jesus would return now or take me peacefully in my sleep even tonight. I am ready to see the other side. Food was finished when I went to collect mine at the church luncheon. Mrs. Mason managed to find me one anyway altho it was the contribution more than the food which was really important to me. Other that an uneventful day, in every way. Faith and confidence falling and fading fast! Can't get in touch, or be touched by, God, in the way I want. Having doubts not about getting a job but about God's interest in getting me one. I have sought God enough. It's time I start seeking a job rather than seeking God to get me one. I am normally helpless and hopeless without Him but my prayers for hope a... Rain this morning. Good. I haven't been feeling good recently. Right side numbness returning and even chest area uncomfortableness. Can't afford medication right now. Been having dreams about preparation for a wedding. Ava would say that means a funeral. Had a dream this week about Daddy and Mr.Bernard. Those are always death dreams to me . Sometimes I think that wherever Daddy's spirit is, Mr.Bernard's is too. Rain this morning. Good. I haven't been feeling good recently. Right side numbness returning and even chest area uncomfortableness. Can't afford medication right now. Been having dreams about preparation for a wedding. Ava would say that means a funeral. Had a dream this week about Daddy and Mr.Bernard. Those are always death dreams to me . Sometimes I think that wherever Daddy's spirit is, Mr.Bernard's is too. Yesterday wasn't a fulfilling day even though I went to church. Spent some time with Jean, paid lightbill then went to Ochi in vain about a job. Saw Jackie and Mr. Clarke. Uninspiring. I got depressed and went home... I wish Jesus would come right now. I'm tired of this world. I'm tired of this struggle. I give up. I'm just going through the motions, praying death, Jesus or a job comes soon. Went to HWT today. Saw Mark, got rest of money, AND PAID RENT, but Jean called and said Custos asked, maybe based on gaps in resume, if I was on drugs! A shocker to me. Paul called about job. I don't know why I'm not hopeful. Met Nadine and chatted all the way from HWT to P.Maria. Look for Jean after. Got a drive near home with Latoya and daughter Danielle next door. Peter called about money I owe him. Jean gave me another $100 phonecard. She has same birthday as Mummy! Jean called tonight but I don't want to get my hopes up yet, neither with that nor the money Mark has for me. Let the morrow take thought for itself [matt6:34?]. Found $1000 on the road tonight. Thanxb2God!
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