Q: Dear Dr. Love,
I recently ended a long-term (more than 10 years) relationship with my ex. This relationship began as soon as I came out, so I feel like I have missed out on being gay and "single." Now that I am single, I would like to meet friends and have casual relationships, but I don't want to get involved in anything serious right now. And my friends agree -- they have unanimously given me the same advice: "Just have fun." But if I meet a guy at a party or at a bar, and I am interested in him, how and when should I convey this preference to him? My first few forays into the dating scene have been with guys who say they aren't looking for anything serious, but shortly thereafter want to become boyfriends.
A: Dear Honest Sir,
First, we must acknowledge that feelings change. A guy who "isn't looking for anything serious" may fall in love (in the same way that a guy who thought he had found his one true love may realize that he has not). So no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions, people you're dating may, occasionally, hope to persuade you in another direction. Even casual dating is supposed to involve a bit of wooing, pursuing, hoping and imagining (and, by the same token, dissuading, rebuffing, and mild disappointment). This is all part of the dating "dance." Someday, you may realize that you're ready for a serious relationship with a fellow (and this realization will probably occur while you are "casually" dating that fellow).
Now, your letter raises an interesting topic for discussion: Unfortunately, a young gay man's romantic education is very unlikely to be encouraged by a fondly approving society. Most gay men had few same-sex romantic role models when they were growing up. And many didn't get good dating practice as teenagers -- they never learned the dating dance. The result of this societal flaw is that some gay men never really learned how to date well, and therefore handle romance like 13-year-olds (that is, somewhat unrealistically and immaturely).
Dating practice is important, because it helps a person learn to deal with the first rushes of infatuation -- those wonderful, overwhelming, stomach-churning emotions -- and how to differentiate them from true love.
So to answer your question: Getting-to-know-each-other dating, even when it involves intense "at first sight" infatuation, is, by its nature, casual. So the first few times you go out with someone, you shouldn't have to explain that what you're doing "isn't serious." In the first week or two after meeting someone, you don't know each other well enough to decide whether things are serious yet, anyway. This is important advice for people who are actively dating -- try to let the first few dates be fun. Realize that most of the guys you date won't be "the one." (Even two people who are looking for something serious shouldn't be making big relationship decisions after their first meal together.)
To help your beaux, some of whom may not yet have learned that an enjoyable movie date is not a promise of everlasting devotion, remember that actions speak louder than words. If you want things to be casual, keep things casual. For instance, telling him that he's amazingly sexy is great -- but telling him that you "love" anything about him could lead to confusion. Giving him flowers is a charming thing to do -- but sending three dozen red roses to his office is not something "casual daters" usually do. Being debonair and romantic doesn't mean leading a fellow on.
After a few dates, most pairs either find, naturally after getting to know each other, that they are in sync, in terms of relationship wants and needs, or must have a discussion about what their budding relationship means. At this point, or if someone brings up wedding plans on a third date, you can explain that you don't want things to get more serious (if you indeed don't) -- pretty much as you explained yourself to me, in your letter.
Dr. Love
