A is for Alcohol
You know that stuff gay people used to drink in clubs until everyone started taking drugs in 1988, thus knocking up the price of entry and bottled water. Just remember that Evian is ‘naïve’ backwards. Still popular in bars, although the price of beverages is in direct proportion to the pretentiousness of the venue and the people drinking in it. See Pink Pound.
B is for Bar Boys
Incredibly beautiful people who often spend more time preening themselves in the mirrors behind the bar than they do actually serving. If you find them rude, just remember the minimum wage is still only a fiver. See Silver tip trays.
C is for Clubbing
An addiction which many gay people never grow out of because: a) they have disposable incomes and no kids to put to bed; b) pecs and suntans look especially good under UV lights; c) gay men are genetically great at dancing; d) Mr Right will almost certainly be there the one night you chose to stay in.
D is for Darkrooms
Mysterious unlit areas of clubs and bars that provide instant sexual gratification with men you wouldn't look twice at if you saw them on the dancefloor. There is always the danger that those groping hands could belong to: a) Your boss, b) Christopher Biggins; c) that great uncle you have always had your suspicions about.
E is for Exhibitionists
Some people just explode out of the closet bringing with them some of the most extreme clothes and looks we have ever seen. And why not? It makes the gay scene so much more colourful and flamboyant than the straight world, where the lads wear those white shits hanging out and really can’t dance.
F is for Faux-Mosexuals
Straight lads who come to gay venues with the sole purpose of pulling straight women who have been lured into a false sense of gay bar security. Good on them we say! They tend to be open-minded and friendly and they get a shag out of it too. And we like ogling straight lads...
G is for Guest lists
Those mysterious people who arrive and start a second queue after you have been waiting for two hours in the wind and snow. The larger the guest list queue, the less paying customers get in and therefore the higher the general admission becomes. Even more reason for hating them - well unless you happen to be one of the chosen ones yourself!
H is for Hangovers
Yes, the older you are the worse they get. Then you have to fill in the blanks. Oh, and who is that man sleeping next to you. Yet another adage, ‘I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with plenty’. Bring on the Bloody Mary!
I is for Ignoring people
That thing that people you have slept with do even if only a few nights before they were making perfect eye contact across that crowded dance floor. Ah well, they obviously forgot their contacts. Oh, and to phone you!
J is for Jealously
The old green-eyed monster. Just because they have an amazing boyfriend you would love to sleep with, doesn't mean you should try and split them up. Or that you should instantly hate them. Just remember, there's plenty more fish in the sea - get your tackle out and see what bites!
K is for Ketamine
My best friend went into a K hole and all he brought me back was this lousy T-shirt. Drugs that make you go up, almost make sense. But things that can put you into a near coma state just seem a bit stupid. Leave the horse tranquillisers and anything that is an anagram of GBH alone, and just try and have fun. What goes up, must come down, but what starts down, certainly doesn't come up! We know!
L is for Losing Things
The world of gay clubbing is a bit of a Bermuda Triangle at the best of times, so expect to either lose your friends, house keys, cloakroom ticket, your mobile phone, your wallet, your memory or your mind. Or pretty much any combination of those things.
M is for Mini-Cab Drivers
Some clubs have sensible schemes where they have official taxi firms outside of their venues, like Heaven, Fiction, Discotec and DTPM. Others just leave you to a braying pack of unlicensed criminals who pluck prices out of the air in a similar way to have they pluck routes out of the air. Avoid at all costs – even a reasonable one.
N is for Narcotics
Drugs go with gay clubs like a rhyming couplet and are the only reason why we now have the prevalence of so many after-hours clubs. Just remember that for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction which is going to effect your head, your stomach, your bank balance and possibly all three.
O is for Originality
Once we were at the cutting-edge of music, fashion and interior design, but unfortunately many bars seem to have forgotten this. Crap hi-NRG remixes, peeling pink paint and second-rate drag acts do not make a trendy gay cosmopolitan venue. Come on owners, plough back in a bit of money and imagination, this is a capital city not a provincial seaside town, you know.
P is for Pink Pounds
The Pink Pound is a fairly tenuous concept that allows venues to over charge just because we are gay. Okay so most of us might not have kids and therefore supposedly have higher incomes, but we’re certainly not all Elton and David! What about youngsters who have just left home? And why should we pay more for exactly the same thing anyway? Promoters who put their prices up on gay nights, we know where you live…
Q is for Queuing
It may be the Great British hobby, but don’t leave us outside in the cold for hours. Work out a system - this is your job after all. Yes, it makes your club look popular, but we’re paying your wages - and in turn your coke bill. And as for cloak-room queues, we don’t even think we should have to pay to put our coats in, besides wait for the privilege.
R is for Rudeness
Every gay bar and clubs claims to be attitude-free, but only a rare few are. From the bar staff to many of the customers, being ignorant seems bliss. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that manners cost nothing. Say excuse me if you want to get past, say sorry if you step on our toes and lose the bitchy comments, or you’ll end up a sad and lonely old spinster. Oh yeah, you already are.
S is for Shag Tags
A purely gay phenomena created by the team Poptastic in the north and copied by every gay venue ever. Simply wear a number and anyone who fancies you can then leave a message to tell you. Gets very complicated when you get intoxicated, and by that point you’d probably have enough Dutch Courage to just go up and tell them anyway.
T is for Toilet Beggars
Oops, sorry, we obviously mean toilet attendants. They have a bizarre range of goods on offer, including imitation aftershave and lollypops, and will even turn on a tap and hand you a paper towel, which you obviously wouldn’t be able to do yourself. Never eat a buffet in a gay bar that also has toilet beggars – people don’t wash their hands to avoid paying the quid. In fact never eat a buffet in a gay bar full stop.
U is for Uber-Fashionable
Gay life is a catwalk and the critics especially catty. Of course there's a fine line between being fashionable and a fashion victim, while it's also a fallacy that gay men are always well dressed. Just take a look at some of the participants in the Pride March every summer for conclusive proof.
V is for VIP Rooms
All gays are created equal, but some are more equal than others. It’s amazing that we seem to have created a class system in gay clubbing, with the A-gays segregated from the rest of the mere mortals. In fact most real celebs won’t be seen dead in them, meaning the rooms are full of wannabes, club promoters and former reality TV personalities.
W is for Women in Gay Bars
We don’t mind lesbians , we don’t mind fag hags – every spotty teenage gay should have an overweight one - and we don’t even mind girls who come along to have a dance and not be chatted up and hassled all night (see Faux-mosexuals). But hen-nights and groups of girls who come to laugh at us in packs, can fuck off back to The Ritzy.
X is for Exes
If you have recently split with them, still owing them money, you should leave the venue at once - especially if you are with a new man. It’s only a short toilet break for him to tell your new potential beau that you have crabs, a small dick and psychotic tendencies.
Y is for Your Name’s Not Down, You’re Not Coming In
With a very few exceptions, door staff on gay bars are so much more friendly than their straight Neanderthal counterparts. There usually aren’t dress codes, we can wear trainers and a group of lads are welcome to go in together.
Z is for Zzzzzz’z.
All that none stop partying plays havoc with our sleep patterns, which is what week nights were invented for. A few good night’s sleep is lovely, especially if you are cuddled up in the arms of a lovely guy. Then it’s time to do it all over again…
