To All Staff
It is now advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls - At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact.
To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
We thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience - Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
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