Well, this is the start of my outpouring of general gumf (yes gumf is a word, my mum used to use it all the time... Can't seem to find it in a dictionary though...)
My apologies if i drift into some depressing stuff but as i'm writing this i'm listening to some quite depressing music, coupled with the fact that in early 06 my mum died and i'm pretty sure i'm not coping with that one too well, then i guess you could say i'm a hotbed of emotional gumf. Theres that word again.
At the moment its yellowcard playing, so i'm ok to continue in an upbeat fashion. Well, i'm 28, going grey, and think i'm getting that whole Grandad receding hairline thing going on. Doh! On the plus side i have a wonderful family, my fiancee, three kids and over the last year and a half i've forged a great relationship with my dad, we were never really close but since mum died, i guess he stopped to smell the roses.
Obviously i miss my mum, but i'm a grieve alone kind of bloke, i don't do the whole crying on shoulders thing. Its personal, private. I get angry when i'm upset, so i feel its best to leave my feelings in check when i'm around my family. And to be honest, i genuinely don't want to cry in front of them. I'd sooner wait till everyones asleep and slip out into the back garden, sit under the patio table and cry.
It may seem selfish, but i don't care. Its what i need to do, and its how i'm getting through it. Still seems like yesterday she died. Crazy time. I live with my mrs and the kids a few miles away from my parents and mum couldn't get in to visit one weekend, dad came in alone and said mum wasn't feeling too well. I found out during that week that the doctor said it was a chest infection, it wasn't. It was pneumonia. Mum died on the 25th of feb. She'd got in a months shopping just before. She knew.
I find that hard to handle, that she knew and didn't tell us. Dad found her that morning on the 25th. He assumed she'd fallen asleep watching a film downstairs. She hadn't. I got a call about three hours after. I couldn't believe it. I was so angry at dad for not calling me immediately, but the father in me knew why, he'd had to call for an ambulance, they in turn called a coroner and police as it was a sudden death, which must have been so hard for him. He just wanted to spare me that. I love him for it

Visits: 273