Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
********
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
*******
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
******
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!
******
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
******
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
*********
Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
*********
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
**********
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !!I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was... The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: " What is 3x3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, " Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".
*********
A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.
"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yes," replied the little boy.
"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."
The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:
"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"
The policeman laughed, and said:
"Yes."
"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."
**********
The teacher says, "Today we're going to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Who wants to go first?" Several hands go up, including Little Johnny. He has a dirty mouth so she doesn't want to call him.
She calls on Suzie, who says "I went to the zoo yesterday and was fascinated by the lions."
The teacher says "Good, Suzie, but I want the word fascinate" and calls on Billy.
Billy says "I think a football game is fascinating."
The teacher says "Good Billy, but I want the word fascinate." By now, only Little Johnny's hand is up, so she has to call on him.
Johnny says, "My sister got a new sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
*********
Little Johnny's father came to him one day and said, "It's time we had a talk about the birds and the bees."
Little Johnny replied, "Oh no! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus then to tell me there's no Easter Bunny. If you're going to tell me there's no such thing as sex, I'll have noting to live for!"
***********
little johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SHIT! johnny askes "What does that mean?"
his mother says " oh that means putting on makeup"
little johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys
johnny askes "what does that mean"
and they said "it means hats and coats"
little johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word FUCK!
johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means"stuffing the turkey"
then there was a knock on the door. johnny opens it . his aunt and uncle were there. johnny says to them " here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen Fucking the turkey!
************
Little johnny was failing school so his
mom decided to put him in catholic(convent)
school. So about a month later little johnny's mom recieved little johnnys report card he got all A's and B's
little johnny's mom asked"little johnny
how did you get all these good grades, Little johnny replied"well,when I saw the man hanging from the cross i knew they meant buissness
********
Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for hours at a time while she did things around the house without him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say "All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on."
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. "Young man", she said "march up to your room and think about what I've told you about that kind of language."
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he proceedes to say "All those who want to get off, get the fuck off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
************
One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"
*********
Little Johnny goes back to school on Monday and the teacher asks the kids if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.
Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn't want to call on him. Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, "All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend?" Johnny says," I rode in my wagon and had my dog pull me, well we came to this steep hill and we got going really fast, my dog couldn't run fast enough. The handle of the wagon rammed up his ass." The teacher interupts and corrects Johnny by saying,"Rectum Johnny, Rectum." Johnny says,"Recked UM? It damn near killed him!"
*********
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*********
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
**********
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
***********
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
