1. A cop stops a drunk man and asks: Where you going?
I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?My wife and mother-in-law!
2. Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.
3. An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
4. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
5. Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A. The noise gave him a headache.
6. Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
7. Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
8. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
9. A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
10. What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
21. Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
22. A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
23. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
24. How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A. He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
25. A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
26. Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A. Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
27. Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
28. An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
29. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
30. Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
31. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?
32. Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
33. Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
34. A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !
35. Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
36. An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"
37. Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
38. Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell
39. Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
40. "I've made the chicken soup."
"Good! I was worried it was for us."
41. Catholic: I hate England - it's cold and wet and full of Protestants.
Protestant: Why don't you go to hell - it's hot and dry and full of Catholics
42. Man: Whisper those three words that will make me walk on air.
Woman: Go hang yourself
43. Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap
44. Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
45. The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
46. A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."
47. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
48. Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
49. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
50. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A. A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
51. One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still Hutch network is following me.."
52. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
53. Can you do anything that other people can't?
A. Sure, I can read my handwriting.
54. The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
55. A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
56. What's plastic and dangerous to children?
Michael Jackson
57. How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance
58. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
59. A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"
60. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
61. 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
62. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut up an onion
63. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
64. CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
65. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
66. Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A. He wanted to see a butterfly
67. Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
68. What is difference between man and Superman?
A. Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser
69. Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
70. Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished
71. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
72. While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"
73. Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"
74. Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doctor: Next please
75. Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
76. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs $10,000."
"How come the politician's brain costs so much?", asks the man.
The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used."
77. How did Santa cheat the railways?
A. He bought the ticket and didn't travel
78. Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised 'free delivery'
79. What has 4 wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck
80. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Do you believe in people?"
81. Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.
Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.
Osama: Which one?
Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday
82. Santa, "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer, "I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror
83. Santa and Banta are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
Banta leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to Chandigarh?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this Santa leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
84. "Darling," said Banta to his new bride, Preeto, "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she replied. "But what will you live on?"
85. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook.....
But the law allows only one wife
86. Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Banta: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?
87. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
88. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
89. Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B. Ok
A. A white horse fell in the mud
90. Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Banta: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Preeto: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Banta: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Preeto: In the pool.
91. Ravan decides to apologize to Ram.
Ram opens the door.
Ravan blankly stares at Ram & can you guess what he is thinking?
Sala kiss moonh se maafi maangu
92. Santa: "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much."
Nurse: "What word was that?"
Santa: "Oops!"
93. A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
94. Teacher: Sonu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sonu: No, teacher, it's the same dog
95. The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
96. What do you call a letter delivered from a chimney?
A. Black mail
97. Why there are always two cops in a car patrol ?
A: In case the siren won't work, one of them to scream "Wouuuu-Wouuuuu" and the other - "Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.."
98. Jeeto: What are you doing?
Santa: Washing myself, of course
Preeto: Without soap and water?
Santa: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning
99. Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A. He was ironing the curtain
100. Santa: I have to learn Telugu within 6 months or I'll not be able to communicate with my child.
Banta: Is it ! Why ?
Santa: I have adopted a telugu child and he will start to speak after 6 months
