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The world does not revolve around me. It's the whole stupid universe that revolves around me.
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There is no "I" in team. But there is a "me."
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Love makes the world go 'round. But I'm pretty sure money has something to do with it, too.
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Work hard and the world is your oyster. Yup, you get a big, snotty oyster-scented world.
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You can help anyone turn a frown upside down! Just pull off their head and flip it over.
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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.
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Laughter is the best medicine. So if you meet somebody with broken ribs, make sure to tickle them.
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We must never, ever be mean to stupid people. If we are, they might go away. Then who will we laugh at?
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Learn the difference between right and wrong. You'll probably choose wrong, but you should at least know which is which.
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When life gives you lemons. . .use them to squirt lemon juice into the eyes of your enemies.
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Anybody who says you only have yourself to blame . . .is just not very good at blaming others.
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You can't have your cake and eat it too. But you can have your cake and eat someone else's cake too, and that's kind of better, anyway.
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Exercise hard. Eat right. Die anyway.
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If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Unless it's about somebody who can't hear you.
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Never be ashamed of your mood swings. I mean, who doesn't love swings?
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And finally, always remember: You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. But you can choose the insane asylum where you have them all put away.
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