APRIL2005
One day i told him that i am watching hot movie.He was always intersted in this topic childishly.I told him about AIDS,CONDOMS,TOP,BOTTOM and many more topics.One day i told him to read a news in Ht and he called me only to clearify his doubts.He told me about some articles and a book about this topic.I didnt believe him.He asked:do you want that book?
I told him that i cant offord that one.He said:"tumhe mil jaayegi."
I asked,"tu kharidegaa?"
He replied"tum iski chintaa mat karo."
But i know he will not buy that book for me.I am not Amjad.And i dont want he spent money on me.He once mentioned that meenakshi dont force him to spend money .He dont like this.
ut i want to replace Amjad in his heart.I know i cant do this.Thats why i am sad.
I told him that i dont like phone sex.Once he tried but stopped after my cold response.I once again disappointed him.He asked about The types of relationships in gays.I made my point clear.He was confused about him,He was not able to place himself in the fixed category of top or bottom.I asked about his relationship with amjad but he never told me in detail.Kuchh gol mol jawaab de deta tha.
He asked me about ejaculation time,length etc and i expressed my ignorence.I dont want to tell him all this anymore.Its foolish,but i affraid i will lose him if he got all about this topic.
I told him to visit yahoo group.he did.He dont know about this group.He asked"iss se kya hoga?"
i replied:"kuchch nahi.us group ko chchod de."
He promised me that he will soon leave that group but he havent yet.
I asked for new film Cds one day.He was hesitating.I told him at once:"I dont want Cds."
Why he hesitating?kya usse mujh pe bharosaa nahi hai?
I never asked Cds again.
once he said:"tum jab mere ghar ke kisi person se baat karo to unhe namaste kahnaa,mujhe achhaa lagega."
that day i forgot to wish his bua.later i tried to remember this that i must give my greetings to his family members.
once he said"ek baat kahun ,bura to nahi maanogay?"
"I know what you want to say"
i thought he want to say that he will give me job in his office.But he said"we chat for hours right now becouse there is buas phone available.jab ye phone nahi hogaa to hum itni baatein nahi kar sakengay.par mera pyaar kabhi kam nahi hogaa.kya tum bhi yahi soch rahe they?"
i lied:"yes."
Later when he wanted to join some firm,he promised me that he will give me job in his firm after some time.How innocent is he.He dont know anything about me and he wanted to give me a job!
He still dont know anything about me.He never insisted to know anything about me.Why?
Kahin iska matlab ye to nahi ki use mere baare me jaan ne ki ichchaa hi nahi hai.yaa usse koi fark hi nahi padtaa ki main kaun hoon,kyaa kartaa hun.use ek bandaa chaahiye jiske saath wo apne mann ki baaten kiye,binaa iss darr ke ,ki kahin ye baaten uske ghar mein to kisi ko pataa nahin chal jaayengi.
Or he is so good that he is waiting that one day i will tell him everything myself.
If he think so,he is right. will tell him everything When right time comes.I told him that i had only 2 good friends in past and i told them about myself after 3 years.JABKI WO MERE GHAR KE PAAS RAHTE THEY.Its true.
I asked 2-3 times."what happened between you and Amjad?"
He never told me."right time pe bataa dungaa."
Uss ne ab tak nahi bataya.Maine bhi zor nahi diya.dartaa hun ki agar maine zor de kar poochhaa aur uss ne phir bhi nahi bataayaa to kahin hamaaraa relation kharaab naa ho jaaye.I want to live in this illusion that he will do evrything for me,that he will always keep my words,that he wont reuse me anything.I know this is not true,but i want to believe that i am the most important person in this world for him and if i ask him to srip down in the middle of the road,he will do it without thinking anything.
I am fool but what can i do.I am in love.
wanted to see his office .He once told me that he had seen the CD in office and the person in the next cubicle was staring at him.
I was at IIT at that time.I asked him to stay at office as i am coming but when i called him to tell that i am coming,he told me that he is going to home with bua.
he couldnt wait for me!
One day i went his office in palika.There was his Bua in office.I was very nervous.What will i say if she asked anthing.They must want to know about me,Who is this new friend who talk so much with their child.He was happy.Hev wanted to add me in his family.I was hesitating.His bua asked me:"what do you do?"
I told him also that i work in a courier compony in Nehru Place.
I am such a lier!
i drank limkaa and shared a roti.I asked talk software.He wanted to give me copy but i offered that i will make copy myself.Bua supported me.HE gave me.I feel some tension.I want he go with me at bus stop but he refused.MUJHE BAHUT BURA LAGAA.this is first my wish.I never asked anything before this and he refused.AB MAIN KUCHH KAHATE HUE BHI DARTAA HUN KI KAHIN WO MANAA TO NAHIN KAR DEGAA,AUR NORMALLY WO MANAA KAR DETAA HAI.I try to never ask him anything now.
He was so open with his bua.I was surprised.later i suggested Bua that they should marry him as soon as possible becouse WO BIGAD GAYAA HAI.
She promised me that they will marry him soon.
I met him in south ex.He came for some interview.I forgot to return that CD.Later i returned that.
I went in his office 4 times.Once i went cp to meet him in his office but he asked me to meet at GOLCHA.i had to go their.He took me to some publishers and i told him that i know URDU.i purchased some fish and i have to borrow 10/20 rupees from him.I went to one ATM leaving him at bus stop.But my ATM card was not working.He was very disturbed.we took auto and returned in office.He told Bua that i know urdu.I had to demonstrate my skills!
I not returned that amount yet.BHOOL BHI GAYAA HUN 10 THEY YA 20.
