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vampzilla.peperonity.com

~COOL ONE LINERS~

Some funny one liners,worth reading

• One woman stops a taxi- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

• A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

• Jim says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason."
Steve says, "Why's that?"
Jim says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

• Judge: You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with a deadly weapon?
Wife: You got me wrong your honor. I'm divorcing him for threatening me with every night with a dead weapon.

• If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

• Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
A: Magnets have a positive side!

• Man: How Much?
Prostitute: 25 dollars
Man: American Express?
Prostitute: For 25 Dollars you can go as fast as you want!

• Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A: A man’s undivided attention!

• Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair.

• Q: Why do girls talk so much and guys think so much?
A: Girls have two pairs of lips and guys have two heads!

• Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

• Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can't make a fist!!!

• Q: What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
A: The way they say ahhhh-men.

• One of my friend has named his 3 kids NC, MC and ABC!
I asked why, he said: 1st Natural Curiosity, 2nd Mutual Consent & 3rd Absolute Bloody Carelessness.

• Man pays Rs 1000 to a prostitute, but she runs away. He chases but fails.
He puts a notice: If anyone finds sexy gal in white top and red skirt fuck her. Its PRE-PAID

• Banta and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you."
With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher."
"I love you," came the higher-pitched reply.

• A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied.
What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman?
No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.

• Q: What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster?
A: My zipper!

• Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.

• Santa's son: Papa tusi papa kis tarah baney?
Santa: Puttar pa pa ke.

• A blonde, suffering from sore throat, goes to see the doctor. He asks her to sit down.
He gets out his torch and says, "Open wide."
"I can't, the chair's fitted with arms."

• If you feel stressed out, try to have SEX. It helps you to relax. Do you know how to have SEX?
Let me teach you
S = Sleep
E = Eat
X = Exercise!
Dont think dirty

• Director commands during shooting a porn film:
LIGHTS
CAMERA
MUSIC
ERECTION (ACTION)

• An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl: " 5 times!?!"
Old man: "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?"

• Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb."
"No, mamma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month."

• Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

• What's common between the Sun & women's underwear?
1) Both are hot
2) Both look better while going down
3) Both disappear by night

• Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

• A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."
And Bob wrote, "I love sex."

• Q: Why did the blond have lipstick on her steering wheel?
A: She tried to blow the horn.

• Q: Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?
A: To keep here legs closed.

• "It was just a simple misunderstanding," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

• Your Name?
Abu Dalah Sarafi.
Sex?
Four times a week.
No, no, no male or female?
Male, female... sometimes camel.

• Santa was in his apartment wearing only the slips. Jeeto said, "Dress up, guests must be coming every moment."
"Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me."
"Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you."

• A pussy-cat says to a tom-cat:
Let's play hide'n'seek. If you find me, you may screw me, if not, I'm in the wardrobe!

• BEEP...
You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline.
Press one to continue. (pause)
Now, press the other one.
BEEP...

• Q: What does a hen think when a cock runs after her?
A: She thinks, "I hope I'm running not too fast."

• Two flowers:
I love you, darling!!!
I love you, too!!!
I want you so much!!! Where the fuck are those darned bees?

• "WOW!" - said gynaecologist.
"WOW!!!" - answered him the echo.

• Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?

• A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them.
The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?"
"No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"

• A lady goes to a dentist,she sits on the chair & starts taking off her clothes.
Dentist: Err..mam I'am not a gynaecologist.
Lady, I know, I just want you to remove my husband's denture.

• A SSC class is told to draw a woman's reproductive system.Onegirl is so shy she's facing down.
A boy YELLS, "Sir,she's copying frm the originals.

• Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car.
The stranger, "Psssssst! Hey kid!"
"Yeah?"
Stranger, "I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car."
Little Johnny, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

• Wife, If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross yoir mind?
Husband, That you are a lesbian.

• A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids.

• The prayer of a Catholic girl, "Oh Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving."

• The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"
"I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."

• Son: What's the defference between Love, relief and belief ?
Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I'm your Dad- well that's my belief.

• A man calls in sick, telling his boss, "I have rectal glaucoma."
"What's that?" asks the boss.
The man says, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

• The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

• Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

• The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?"
Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"
The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"

• A judge charged 10,800 fine to a man, when asked why 10,800 judge replied 10,000 for rape and 8% entertainment tax.

• I hate it when people point to their wrists to ask for the time !!
I mean, seriously, do I point to my crotch when I need a bathtroom?!?!

• Q: Do you know who is the best goolkeeper in this world ?
A: Women, no matter how much and which way you fuck her, your balls will never go in.

• Breaking news: The latest gizmo to hit the market is a wallet made of Penis skin. When one rubs it, it expands to becoma a suitcase.

• Two women were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
"Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

• Pappu did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the ...
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