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[>]_Great Jokes_[<] | viptcm


[>]_Great Jokes_[<]
Great jokes that are 100% original but sponsered by ´The Mount Salem Open Bible Church´

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1. The Gift That Just Keeps Giving

"Thanks for the hormonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It´s the best Chirstmas present I ever got." "That´s great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don´t play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

2. ´I Think Mom Ate It´

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

3. ´Glad It Was Not My Wedding!!´

A couple was arranging for thier wedding, and asked the baker to inscrbe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There´s no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The baker evidently lost the scripture reference, but working from memory, beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18". Imagine the shock of the few faithful who looked up the reference to read: "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband." said Jesus to the woman of Samaria

4. ´After School Snack´

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a peace of cake.

5. No Punishment

BOY: Will you punish me for something I didn´t do? TEACHER: Of course not! BOY: Good because I didn´t do my homework!

6. ´Oh, Goodness´

Why´d the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
He saw the salad dressing!

7. ´God´s Identity´

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God. He goes up to his mother and asks. ´Well, mom, is he a boy and a girl?´ Not really knowing what to say the mother says, ´Well, son, he´s black and white.´ So he asks his mother, ´Mom, is God black or white?´ Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, ´Well son, he´s black and white.´ So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, ´Ohhhh, I didn´t know that God was Michael Jackson!´

8. Church Hymns We Love To Sing

The Dentist´s Hymn:..... Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman´s Hymn....There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Contractor´s Hymn....The Church´s One Foundation
The Tailor´s Hymn.....Holy,Holy,Holy
The Golfer´s Hymn....There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician´s Hymn....Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist´s Hymn....On My Eyes That I Might See
The Tax Agent´s Hymn....I Surrender All
The Gossip´s Hymn....Pass It On
The Electrician´s Hymn....Send The Light
The Shopper´s Hymn....Sweet By And By
The Realtor´s Hymn....I´ve Got A Mansian Just Ouer The Hilltop
The Pilot´s Hymn....I´ll Fly Away
The Paramedic´s Hymn....Revive Us Again
The Judge´s Hymn....Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist´s Hymn....Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect´s Hymn....How Firm A Foundation
The Zookeeper´s Hymn....All Creatures Of Our God And King
The Postal Worker´s Hymn....So Send I You
The Waiter´s Hymn....Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener´s Hymn....Lo, How A Rosed E´er Blooming
The Lifeguard´s Hymn....Rescue The Perishing
The Criminal´s Hymn....Search Me, O God
The Baker´s Hymn....When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer´s Hymn....It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent´s Hymn....Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist´s Hymn....Rock Of Ages
The Hematologist´s Hymn....Are You Washed In The Blood?
The Menswear Clerk´s Hymn....Blest Be The Tie That Binds
The Umpire´s Hymn....I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian´s Hymn....Whispering Hope

Now, for those who speed on the highway, a few hymns for you:

45mph....God Will Take Care Of You
55mph....Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph....Nearer My God To Thee
75mph....Nearer Still Nearer
85mph....This World Is Not My Home
95mph....Lord, I´m Coming Home
Over 100mph....Precious Jesus, Take My Hand

9. Don´t pay for me Daddy

A little chid in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don´t pay for me Daddy, I´m under five."

10. Elijah The Prophet

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this fourtimes. ´Now,´ said the teacher, ´Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the alter?´ A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, ´I know, I know,´ she said. ´To make the grave!´

11. 4better, 4worse, 4richer, 4poorer

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

12. Shell without the ´S´ reads ´hell´

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knock him cold. Passerby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ´Shell´ sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!

13. A wrinkle in time

A little girl got on her grandpa´s lap and said, "Did God make me?" "Yes," the gradpa replied. "Did God make you too?" "Yes," the grandpa said. "Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

14. ´Thou shall not kill´

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year-olds. After explaining the commandment to ´honor thy father and thy mother,´ she asked ´Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?´ Without missing a beat one little boy answered, ´Thou shall not kill.´

15. You and I are both in this boat

The story told of a pastor who was frustrated because of one man who always seemed to fall asleep during the sermon. So the paster devised a trick, a way he though he could embarrass the man so as to get him to break this habit. Near the end of a sermon concerning ´hell´, the Pastor, in a normal vioce, said to the congregation, ´Any one here today who want to go to hell´--then he raised his voice to a much louder volume--´PLEASE STAND UP!´ Of course this woke up the sleeping parishioner who quickly jumped to his feet. After collecting himself for a moment, the man said, ´Preacher, I don´t know why I´m standing, but it appears that you and I are both in this boat.´

16. I think I´m going to have a wife

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam´s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I´m going to have a wife."

17. Why is it nessary to be quiet in church?

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping.´

18. Why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied. "They couldn´t get a baby-sitter."

19. Bankrupt Fish

Hey, did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?
Now its a bronze fish.


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