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Obesity | rrose


Obesity
For many years I was morbidly obese. By the age of 19, my 5-6 frame was a bloated 286 pounds. Never really a big eater, I always suspected there was a problem with my genetics somewhere, since every attempt I made at reducing failed miserably.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, and as a consequence have very low self-esteem; I have pretty much reconciled myself to a lonely life. I´ve always adored women, but kept my distance. They have always ignored me, for obvious reasons. I never dated in high school or college. I would fall in love with girls, but learned to stifle and control it through the months of emotional hell that followed. I remember these times as the most painful of my life. To this day I have never told another soul that I love her. My self-rejection is on automatic. If I could turn a switch in my brain that would keep me from ever falling in love again, I´d do it in a heartbeat. Self-induced exile and self-defeat are how I spent my 20s and 30s. I stayed in my bedroom, reading classics and learning to draw, and put myself through college. I now make my living as a commercial illustrator and animator.

A couple of years ago a co-worker told me about a diet designed for people with an inability to properly metabolize simple carbohydrates. In seven months I lost 100 pounds. I´ve kept it off for two years now. I can never be lean -- that´s not in the cards for me -- but at least I look human, and that´s good enough. Unfortunately, it came about 25 years too late. I am now 40, and I´ve come to find that it´s really too late to begin at this stage of the game. I´m so retarded socially. Believe me, no one is looking for a middle-aged adolescent virgin for a life partner, or even a date. I tried joining a gym and taking group dance lessons, but the timidity that most males outgrow by their late teens is too deeply ingrained for me to shed now. I know this sounds silly, but I think I was happier fat. At least I knew there was no hope then, so I didn´t kid myself. I don´t know what to do or what to say or where to begin. And women can smell a lack of confidence like a dog smells fear. After all these years, I still can´t answer a simple question: What do I have to offer a girl, and why would one want to be with me?


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